Minnie Sue
by Smerby
Summary: A pants ripping parody of MarySues... but with a different approach! Happy Crimbo, KP!


**Minnie-Sue**

"Hermione, will you pass the bloody pudding already?" Queried Ron, his face blooming into a magnificent shade of red.

Hermione rolled her eyes and passed the plate to the freckled redhead. Ron began muttering to himself. He shot a look at Hermione and Harry, both laughing and chatting with their neighbors. Ron scowled.

"…Bloody have no one to talk to, as usual."

"I'll talk to you, Ron!" Came a voice.

But, as always, Ron did not hear the voice. In fact, no one often heard the voice of the one, the only…

Minnie-Sue.

Poor Minnie-Sue never got any attention. In fact, most people acted as if she wasn't even there.

Minnie-Sue was an exchange student from America. She had had the most gorgeous blonde hair, streaked with a shade of pink not yet seen by the human eye. She had eyes that changed color to match her mood-- moods which never contained shades of anger-- and was tall, thin, and buxom, with a pure-blood lineage tracing back to the witches of MacBeth-- no, the druids of Ireland--no... Sabrina, the teenage witch. She had the ability of PigLatinTongue-- the ability to speak with swine. Her wand was 69 centimeters of apple, containing the ear hair of a house-elf. She had a great sense of humor, and knew every knock-knock joke that was ever made. But her poor, poor parents had past away in a tragic accident where Minnie-Sue's awesome powers had caused the shower head to pop off and knock her parents out cold. The only thing she had left to remember them by was her beautiful invisibility cloak.

Which she wore all the time.

Which brings our heroine's problem into focus-- she was never seen! Poor Minnie-Sue, having missed her parents so, clung to the last bit of parental memorabilia she owned until she had forgotten she was wearing the cloak all together. When no one saw Minnie-Sue anymore, the teachers assumed she had exchanged to the Secret Ninja Samurai Geisha Magic Hentai Academy in Japan. The students shrugged off her disappearance as exchange students were old hat. Even her steamy hot boyfriend, Cedric Diggory the Reincarnated, didn't notice her absence-- but he was just a zombie anyway.

So Minnie-Sue thought she was being ignored.

And so she began to cry.

All the time.

Her tears-- which held the phoenix like quality of healing everything, as well as the golden goose ability to form golden eggs-- began to crust onto her skin. The golden eggs simply fell on the floor, which the house-elves would capture to worship in their secret kitchen covens-- no, not ovens. Her tears allowed the streams they created on her cheeks to remain unblemished.

But Minnie-Sue began to lose her very essence-- her Mary-Sue-ness.

Because of the invisibility cloak, Minnie-Sue could no longer maintain her immense beauty in the mirror. She consistently looked in a mirror, but saw no reflection. This led her to the conclusion that she was, in fact, Snape's bastard vampire daughter. So she must still be gorgeous. She thus decided to abstain from bathing-- particularly since when she looked down at herself, she saw nothing. She chocked this up to her slenderness, and assumed she must be clean as a result. Only she wasn't any of these things. No, Minnie-Sue, if she had seen herself, would have passed out in shock. Her blonde hair had grown so matted, greasy, and dirty, that it now clumped together in sticky strands of a mildewy green color. Her face was covered in streaks of dirt and Ron's bread pudding spittle. Minnie-Sue looked, overall, like shit.

But love looked beyond her "perfect" looks. For Minnie-Sue was in love. And her beloved must also return the favor… right?

Minnie-Sue was ensconced deeply within the love bubble of Professor Flitwick. Oh, she knew it was quite forbidden to have romantic trysts with one's teachers… but Hermione and Snape did it all the time!

Alas, Filius Flitwick never seemed to pay attention to her. He had never even called on her in class.

Minnie-Sue gave a dramatic sigh at this moment. "Oh, how tragic! I am the victim of unrequited love!"

After fainting into a suit of armor at the plight that faced her, Minnie-Sue soon awoke.

And was no longer donned in the invisibility cloak.

In front of her stood none other than Ron Weasley-- wearing the most constipated, pale, blanched, washed-out, screwed-up expression that ever lived… or existed.

"Bloody hell?!" Ron questioned the grotesque figure he had just uncovered. Poor Ron had innocently been swiveling his hips and kicking his feet wildly about as he practiced his pole-dancing techniques. Somehow, his freckled toe had caught upon the greasy tip of Minnie-Sue's invisibility cloak, revealing the… creature, for which she was.

"Oh Ron!" Minnie-Sue croaked. "No one's said something so sweet to me in so very long!" She fluttered her sleep crusted, mascara clumped eyelashes up at him.

Ron looked like he might throw up. And he did. He threw up his arms, and ran screaming.

Minnie-Sue primped her hair. "Oh, I had almost forgotten how beautiful I am! Poor Ron, he's so used to seeing Harry's skinny white bum and Hannah Abbot's third nipple… oops! Did I just say that out loud?" Minnie-Sue giggled as a group of Hufflepuffs, who had momentarily been stunned at the seemingly human atrocity of Minnie-Sue, began whispering amongst themselves about this gossip. Did I forget to mention that Minnie-Sue knew absolutely everything about anything ever?

As Minnie-Sue trounced through the halls, feeling wonderful after having stunned Ron and caused Hannah Abbot to drown herself in the loo, she decided to take a nice, relaxing bath in the Head Boy's bathroom. After all, the head positions did get such commodities. Never mind that she was of the female persuasion.

She muttered the password, "Ginny has a dry, old, blown-out chuff," and entered into the marvelous contraption that is the Head Boy's bathroom. I say contraption, dear reader, because the Head Boy's bathroom is actually one big sex toy. In fact, as Hermione could attest to her most well-read portion of _Hogwarts: a History_-- The Sexing, Shagging, and Studying Tips chapter-- the Hogwarts Head Boy had long been chosen based on his levels of kinkiness. This, of course, is why Draco Malfoy was Head Boy. Never mind that he had run from the school after he had pansied out of killing Dumbledore. Minnie-Sue needed to shag a Malfoy… and as Lucius would not appear until the threesome with Trelawney in this chapter, Draco would have to do.

As Minnie-Sue meandered through the whips and chains arranged decoratively in the lavatory, she came upon the vast bathtub, filled with hot wax. There was even a hot tub filled with lava.

"Oh, how romantic!" Minnie-Sue squealed.

"Oh, but isn't it?" A smarmily sultry voice asked behind her.

Minnie-Sue immediately went wet at the sound of his voice.

She sighed as she brushed off all of the sweat that had broken out on her body. Why must this room be so warm? Minnie-Sue complained. All this lava and hot wax heat will muss my hair.

As Draco moseyed over, he turned Minnie-Sue around to see her and gagged. Jumping back, he protectively covered his exposed pen--

"Oh, you dropped your pencil!" Minnie-Sue exclaimed, bending to pick up the pencil that had just dropped from Draco's pencil case.

"Oh… thank you." Draco looked a little embarrassed.

"Oh! But you're naked!" Minnie-Sue squealed.

"Shit!" Draco shouted. "I knew I was trying to cover up my penis, not my pencil!"

"I don't mind." Minnie-Sue said, her puce eyes smoldering at him.

"Er, I'm sure you're very nice and, uh, all… but I… prefer guys! Yes, yes." Draco nodded triumphantly to himself.

"Oh, perfect!" Minnie-Sue said. "I happen to have a strap-on handy!"

At this moment, Professor Flitwick entered the bathroom to see what all of the moaning was about.

"Oh, uh, sorry Severus! Didn't realize you and Hermione were doing BDSM tonight." Flitwick said, shielding his eyes.

Minnie-Sue froze in passionate petrifaction. Her one true love-- here!

"Oh my! My mistake!" Flitwick said, realizing that Draco and some kelp creature were using the water closet. "However, Draco, I will have to deduct 5 House Points for your breeding with an unregistered creature. I, being the product of a wizard-kneazle consummation, am perfectly tolerant of mixed species marriages, but this thing appears to be something entirely new!"

"OH PROFESSOR!" Minnie-Sue moaned. Flitwick's voice was just too much for her. Her lust was beginning to peak.

Flitwick looked very unnerved. Draco just shook his head, fearing his pecker would forever be as limp as a tear soaked Cho Chang noodle dinner.

"Don't look at me, Professor. I was just waiting for Harry."

"Well, Mr. Malfoy, 5 points back to Slytherin for the mix up. I suppose you may go while I uh, attend to this… individual?" Flitwick twitched his mustache.

Draco looked relieved and left the room immediately. Unfortunately, he was still nude, and was devoured whole by Pansy Parkinson in passing. Poor Draco.

Flitwick carefully warded the door behind him, and cautiously moved to inspect the monstrosity in front of him.

"Professor." Minnie-Sue cooed, her year old bronze lip gloss-- in honor of Flitwick's Ravenclaw, of course-- caked on her collagen plumped lips.

"Oh, Minnie-Sue! That was a close one with Draco! I thought he almost suspected our liaison, which could have gotten me fired!" Flitwick groaned, beginning to unzip his pants. His furry rabbit tale popped out.

"But Professor, might I not have been expelled?"

"Of course not, my dear! You are perfect! I did create you, after all!"

At this, Minnie-Sue stopped dead in her tracks. "Created me? But… are you…?"

"No, no! I'm not God!" Flitwick smiled. "I am simply an accomplished Charms Master, able to conjure a remarkable sex-bot!"

"Oh, I was just going to ask if you were horny."

Flitwick winked. "You better believe it, Minnie-Sue."

The End!

**Note:** MERRY CHRISTMAS, KP! I apologize immensely for my lack of writing, and for the fact that this story was absolute BULLOCKS. To the rest of you who might have read, I also apologize! But I hope you all enjoyed-- specifically you, Prongs! HAPPY CHRISTMAS!


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